As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
