And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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