Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
