WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
