she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And then he peed in my hair
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