she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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