Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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