thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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