he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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