Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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