I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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