god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
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Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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