You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
