Please, let me fuck your mom
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You know, be my cock's hype man.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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