I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
