only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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