you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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