he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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