so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
