This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
