Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my being single is dangerous.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
