have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
