I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
