oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
