Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
