Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
