it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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