just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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