An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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