Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize