Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
