You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
