Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
