you're like a bully in the Christmas story
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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