You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
