tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
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My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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