why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
