GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
