you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
