Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
