guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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