Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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