we have officially lost it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
