so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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