why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
