I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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