We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
