first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
