She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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