She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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