a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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