Can i not drive my cunt home
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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